...you misheard a greeting...

I met with one of my professors a few hours ago and pulled this awkward number on her...

I am so talented at getting in awkward situations with what should be simple and easy greetings. 

I was working in a computer lab, plugging away at my assignment with earphones - one ear bud in so I could listen to music, and the other out just in case someone needed to get my attention. 

It didn't work out that way.

I heard someone speak in my general direction, so I looked up and found two of my classmates staring at me expectantly.

I panicked and jolted out of my daze. "What?"

"Merfferderfl are you?"

Apparently the one ear bud in one ear bud out technique didn't work because I couldn't hear the first part of the question. "Am I what?"

They both laughed. "No, how are you?"

I was awkward and mortified. "Ohhh I'm fine," I said before I muttered out some feeble excuse about being off my game from lack of sleep. 

Did this today, too. Ughhhhhhhhh

I was walking around a desk when I looked up and saw a girl just about to walk in front of me. Being a polite little awkward penguin, I smiled and motioned for her to go in front of me and said, "Go ahead." 

She didn't smile back. She pointed behind me and said, "I'm going that way."

My smile dropped and I muttered, "Oh, uhh sorry," and awkwardly ran away. 

So much for trying to be polite.

...you say "you too" at inappropriate times...

I have done this so many times...such is my life. 

I do it almost every time I go to the movie theater. It's just my inner polite awkward penguin pandering to everyone around me. 

Last time it happened, the cashier handed me my movie ticket and said, "Enjoy the show!"

The awkward penguin shot out of me, "Thanks, you too!" Then a split second later, my polite and overly eager smile dropped into a wince as I groaned and awkwardly ran away. 

That's basically how the situation generally goes each time, but I've "you too"'ed in several other situations including:

• when the waitress brings me my food and says, "Enjoy your meal,"
• when the person who takes your ticket says, "Have a good flight!"
• when I'm sick and someone says, "Get well soon!"
• when I'm leaving and someone says, "Drive safe," or "Have a good trip"

...an ex-convict serenades you on the street...

I was with two of my girlfriends a few weeks ago on vacation. We were walking around a beach town full of college students, dreadlocked hippies and street performers.

We had just eaten dinner and were toting our take-out boxes to the car when a pockmarked man in his mid 30s in baggy, worn out clothes came up to us and quickly said in a cheery, upbeat voice, "Hey! I just got out of prison! Would you like to come over here and listen to me play a song?"

Now, being a normal human being with common sense, everything in me wanted to scream out, "No! I have mace!" But being an awkward penguin and completely afraid of confrontation and saying no, I mumbled, "Uhh sure," and ignored the angry glares of my friends who were probably wondering if I had lost my mind as we followed the man around the corner to where two other men were strumming guitars and singing.

We awkwardly stood there with our leftovers in hand while he grabbed a guitar and proceeded to moan a tune with cleverly planned lyrics about how he was standing in the street singing to three beautiful girls.

As he sang the line, "I sometimes play for tips, but I love to play for free," I couldn't help but think to myself, "Wish granted." I guess my sassy pants can sometimes beat out the penguin.

The song dragged on for probably five more minutes. We awkwardly mumbled the obligatory "Wow, that was great, you have such beautiful voice," spiel, which naturally encouraged him to go into another equally awkward and long song of the same topic.

He finally finished and we gave him the same feedback. He then fired questions at us, asking what kind of music we liked. My friends mumbled out a few of the first genres they could think of, and then spotting their window of opportunity, said, "Well, we should probably go."

This brought out Mr. Confrontation in the ex-convict. He threw his arms up in a defensive motion and raised his pitch, "Hey now, I wasn't trying to start anything, I was just asking what kind of music you guys liked." Naturally, knowing what I knew about this man, this quick change in tone made me fear that I was going to wet my pants, but my friends apparently had a little more chutzpah.

"It's fine, but we really need to go."

He surrendered. "Oh that's ok, I understand. You girls really shouldn't be walking around out here anyways. You never know what kind of people are on the streets."

I so badly wanted to scream, "People like you!"

But apparently he hadn't given up yet. We slowly started to back away, but he kept talking. "Now, if I was at a better place in my life, I would definitely ask you girls out for a drink. But you're all beautiful girls and look like you're definitely taken. I just wish I wasn't going through such crap right now cause you girls are so beautiful and I wish we could hang out."

We nodded our heads and smiled to appease him as we mumbled goodbyes and nice to meet you's and continued backing away as he continued to talk until, thankfully, he finally told us to have a nice day.

The strongly-worded scolding that I got from the girls on the way back to the car made me wonder if I should have stuck it out with the convict, even though I peered over my shoulder every few seconds to make sure he wasn't running down the street towards us with a bloody butcher knife.

To all of my fellow awkward penguins out there, I wouldn't recommend responding in situations like this the way I did. The convict was right, you really don't know who is out there. I guess the silver lining is that it provided an entertaining anecdote to tell at parties...you know, for those moments when I work up the courage to actually talk to people instead of pretending to text in order to avoid the awkwardness.