..you can't take phone calls you're not prepared for...

Being an awkward penguin and generally avoiding human interaction/awkwardness, I hate talking on the phone. For me, it's just so awkward that it makes talking in person not so bad. 

I tend to get so nervous that I mumble and talk in a monotone voice, and it's just awkward and painful for everyone involved. 

Since phone calls are so mentally taxing for me,I don't pick up my phone the first time someone calls unless it's a relative or close friend. I just can't do it. I'm not mentally and emotionally prepared. 

I have to take a few minutes to gather myself and prepare topics of conversation before I call the other person back. I also have to take a few extra minutes so that person would think I was actually doing something important that prevented me from taking the call the first time rather than know what I was really doing, trying to calm myself down and reign in the awkwardness before calling back. 

I shouldn't be allowed to use communication devices. 

...no one hears you in a conversation...

This is an awkward faux pas that always makes me want to crawl under a rock. 

I'm in college, so I hang out in big groups a lot. And lots of times, we all end up talking at each other at the same time, so no one listens to what anyone else says. 

For some reason, I usually pick this time to try to jump into the conversation, and it never works out well for me. 

I'll start saying something, and whoever I'm talking to will switch his attention to someone else while I'm still in the middle of my story. 

It takes me by surprise whenever it happens. I mean, how do you react to that? I never know what to do, so I usually end my sentence with, "...and then I saw a pink elephant," and put my head down and pray that no one else saw. 

One good thing that comes out of this is that it has made me sensitive to other people who are experiencing this. So now I try to pay it forward. When I'm in large groups of people and I see it happening to someone else, I always let them know that I'm listening to their story even if no one else is. 

I just wish someone else would do the same for me...

...someone's in your way at the store...

I never really know how to act in public, which makes shopping fairly unpleasant. 

I'm the type of person who likes to run into a store with a list of things that I need so I can quickly grab them and then leave. The goal is to have as little human interaction as possible to prevent my inner penguin from bringing the awkward to the party. 

So when I'm in a store and on a mission, I get thrown off my guard when I go down an aisle to grab something from my list, and there's someone standing there, staring at the products and waiting for divine inspiration in her decision making. 

It slows me down quite a bit because I have to stand there and pretend to browse when I really have my eye on my item and all I want in the world is to grab it and run away, but I can't because I'm too awkward. So I stand there and impatiently wait for the other person to finally pick something and leave, but I still can't grab my item yet. That would signal that my browsing had been fake, which the other person already knew, but I still refuse to prove it by making my move as soon as she starts to leave. So I wait a little longer for the other person to go completely out of sight before I finally grab my treasure and awkwardly run away. 

I blame the stores for not posting signs saying, "No awkward penguins allowed."

...you avoid looking at the money inside your birthday card...

As we all know, I'm an awkward person. So naturally, I hate being the center of attention. This makes my birthdays almost seem like torture. Don't get me wrong, I love being with my family and getting presents. I just really dislike having the focus of the party on me. 

 I never know what to do when everyone sings happy birthday to me. I hate looking around and making awkward eye contact with everyone while they're singing at me, and I can't sing along since it's my birthday. So, I usually end up awkwardly staring at the cake and looking up every few seconds while trying to smile and nod my head to the song. 

My favorite part of getting cards from my grandma and great grandma at my birthday is getting money inside. You know, aside from the sweet and thoughtful notes written inside. However, it's also really awkward because then I have to open it, read the card and pretend I'm not peeking to see how much the check is for. 

I'm not sure why birthdays are on my mind since mine is still a few months away, but those are my thoughts on birthday awkwardness. 

Stay awkward, my fellow penguins. 

...your friends make plans in front of you and don't invite you...

This is probably one of my least favorite awkward situations to deal with. It's not only awkward, it's kind of an ouch moment too.

Let's say I'm sitting with Suzie and Jane at lunch. We're chatting, laughing and having an all around good time. It's a great moment, and I'm feeling nice and popular. 

Suddenly, Suzie and Jane start talking about their other friend Darlene:

Suzie: "Oh my gosh, I love Darlene!"

Jane: "I know! I haven't seen her in forever!"

Me: "Oh yeah! I met Darlene the other night when we all went to dinner. She's really nice! I like her a lot!"

Jane: "Yeah, she's a sweetheart."

Suzie: "We should hang out with her again this weekend!"

I suddenly get excited as I sniff an opportunity to try to be social.

Jane: "That's a great idea! Let's go to Sally Tomatoes on Main Street!"

Suzie: "Cool beans! Who all should we invite?"

Please pick me please pick me please pick me

Jane: "Aw we haven't seen Darlene in forever. Let's just keep it with the three of us. It'll be a fun reunion!"

Me trying to be nice and hide my disappointment and shame: "...That sounds fun! Have a good time, guys!"

....

Cool, guys. Guess I'm chopped liver. 

...you're too afraid to be the first to turn in your test...

I think I can safely say that I've never been the first person to turn in a test. 

I honestly think I experience more anxiety from turning in my tests than I do from actually taking them. 

I'm a pretty fast test taker. I don't rush through them, but for some reason, I usually finish before everyone else. Then I sit there and nervously look around before deciding to act like I haven't finished yet.

So I sit there for several more minutes and erase the smudges on the answer sheet and double check to make sure I didn't accidentally spell my name wrong. 

I could do something more productive like double check my answers, but I have learned that that's actually a terrible thing to do. 

Several times, I've followed my usual pattern and finished my test first and then decided to double check my answers. Well, this is never a good idea because when I go back over my answers, I always second guess myself and then go into panic mode while deciding which answer is correct. This usually takes a while, so I go from being the first done to actually being the last because I've spend so much time agonizing over my second guesses. 

So I've learned the hard way that it's actually better to awkwardly sit there and erase the smudges while waiting for someone else to be the brave person to stand up first to turn in the test. 

Once that's finally happened, I still have to wait a while because I know that if I get up right after the other person, then everyone would know that I was purposely waiting for someone else to get up first. They would know that I'm an awkward penguin. 

Now, I know that it's probably blatantly obvious to everyone given my awkward demeanor, but I still like to believe that I can somewhat hide my inner awkward penguin. I try to keep that cat in the bag. 

...you can't even brush your teeth without being awkward...

I live in a college dorm with lots of other girls. I'm an awkward person. This is a problem. 

I've never thought of the bathroom as an appropriate place for social interactions, but apparently, in college dorm life, it is. It's a watering hole. See what I did there?

Anyways, I hate going to the bathroom. I hate it. 

I'm the type of person who likes to go in, brush my teeth, wash my face, take care of business, and get out. No conversations necessary. 

But, I live in a dorm where unfortunately, most of the time, the bathroom is the only place where you interact with the people you live with. 

Don't get me wrong - I'm a nice person. I like to say hi to people and smile and for them to do the same to me. But I just find it so awkward to walk in and make eye contact with someone, smile and exchange a few pleasantries when we both know why I'm there. 

Sometimes, I just feel like I should say something honest like, "Oh hey....just going to, you know....poop....Ok bye."

Now that I finally gained the courage to use the p-word, let's talk about that for a little bit. 

There is another awkward situation that I deal with on a regular basis and fervently pray that others do as well in order to make me less of a weirdo. 

I engage in what I call poop-offs. 

Please tell me you've done this before. It's where you're in the bathroom, you know, taking care of business, when someone else comes in and does the same thing a few stalls down. We stay there for a few minutes, doing, you know..., when I'm finally done and it's time to leave. 

Except I can't. And here's why:

Neither of us has seen the other person's face, and I intend to keep it that way. I prefer to keep our connection on an emotional level. We have bonded through a common experience of answering nature's call. But by all means, I do not want the other girl to see me or know who I am. 

So I sit there and wait, praying that the other girl will finish and leave soon so I can finally come out of hiding in the stall and crawl back to my room with my tail awkwardly tucked between my legs. 

And I wait. And I wait. And then I wait some more until I finally give up and finally emerge from the stall and try to wash my hands and leave as quickly as possible before my new buddy comes out to find me. 

And it never works. She always comes out just in time for us to make awkward eye contact and have a moment of mental "Oh, it's you," clarity before we both drop our heads in shame and scurry off on our merrily awkward separate ways. 

Speaking of poop (*gasp* I said it again!), if you haven't watched this video yet, do it now. It's pretty neat. 

And speaking of being pretty neat, watch this video, too. 

It has nothing to do with anything. It's just pretty, you know, neat.