...you're innocent but accused of a crime...

I am terrified of these scanners. Terrified.

This is not an irrational fear. It stems from a scarring event.

I was about 13 or 14 when all of my cousins turned emo, so in order to fit in, I myself went through a very awkward emo wannabe phase. To be fair, this was my only defense, especially since my emo cousins invented a game they liked to call "Kick the Prep." And I was the prep.

Anyway, that's a tragic story for another day. So, since I was going through my wannabe phase, I would often frequent Hot Topic with my cousin and peruse the aisles of "The Nightmare Before Christmas" paraphernalia  dark band T-shirts with terrifying graphics, and highlighter colored eye liner.

Of course, Hot Topic had one of the scanners of doom.

So one day, after spending an hour circling the store and trying but failing to convince myself that I liked the junk they were selling, my cousin and I decided to leave the store.

However, as I was merrily making my way out, the scanner had a panic attack and made a sound that would only be appropriate for the Fort Knox alarm system.

The cashier went into Barney Fife mode and yelled at me to wait so he could come search my bag. At this point, things happened in slow motion for me. As I watched in horror as the stern cashier marched over to me, I imagined all sorts of terrible scenarios in my head, including one about me going to jail because I had accidentally dropped something in my purse or put something in there after forgetting to put it back on the shelf.

Anyway, after the cashier thoroughly searched my purse and all personal possessions and I talked him out of frisking me and searching the soles of my shoes, it turned out I was innocent and the scanners had made a mistake.

I hate those stupid scanners.

So naturally, my normal reaction to leaving stores has changed to this.

Of course, I also always check my own bag before I leave the store on the off chance that my inner awkward penguin is also a kleptomaniac.